Family and friends. One in the same?

There's a saying out there that goes like this: "Friends are the family you didn't get to choose". Or, "Family are like friends that you wouldn't normally choose".  Either of them are understandably offensive, but speak some truth. We don't get to choose our family which can be both a blessing and a curse. Friends, true friends are often confidants, and from what I've seen can have a closer relationship than siblings. I have a nice big handful of brothers and sisters and I really only feel close with their kids. I have a completely different lifestyle than they do. I am married, don't have children, and basically express my self as openly as I feel I can with out stepping on toes. My spouse and I are close, we know each other, and were very good friends before we got seriously involved.  My siblings are neither married, have plenty of kids between then all and pretty much wake up to the same rat race most of the American population does. This, to me, divides us because neither one of us can understand each other. However our (husband and I) friends seem to share the same values and ironically many of them are also childless. I know this wouldn't normally mean that I couldn't have a close relationship with my sisters or brothers, but sadly in my situation it is. 

I admit I have had a rather rough childhood up until I was into my very early 20's. I was a different person growing up than the person I grew up to be. Everyone is, that's what growing up means. I grew up surrounded by people, never really having any privacy. Constantly having a little sister or brother following me around like my own personal shadow. But what really changed my perception and values was how I dealt with personal relationships. Like any normal young person, I dated my share of crazy people, out of my league people, and people that just came along at the wrong time. I got hurt and dusted my self off like any other person would, but each time I took a little lesson with me. With that lesson I grew a bit of callous. Four or five relationships/lessons later and I built a nice wall of past lovers "screw ups" for my self and stood behind it. Every person who tried to get through failed and it finally took my own loneliness and rejection to let someone through. Having gone through some pretty expected, by any one's standards, life lessons helped me realize when people around me were going through similar events. I would spot the red flags and try to rescue my sisters or brothers like a knight in shining armor. I expected them to just follow behind me like they always did. My little shadows, mimicking every step, and keeping pace. Only to my disappointment, they wouldn't listen. This took at least a few dozen times for me to realize that they no longer hung on my every word, or did as I told them, because "I'm the oldest". 

I realize now that everyone needs to follow their own path, and I did the same when I wouldn't listen to "advice" my family would give me about the abusive relationship they thought I was headed into. My friends some how would all sympathize with the same mistakes or life lessons more than my siblings would. Everyone has their own lessons, but just because they are the same route doesn't mean the destination is. When it comes to my brothers and sisters, I think I stick to being attached to my nieces and nephews, and not so much a knight for their cause. My friends however, I will always be there for, because it seems our destinations seem to be one in the same. That is essentially why we choose them, right?

Sacrifice vs. Compromise Round 1

Recent events have had me thinking lately. When you are in a committed relationship, where does compromise end and sacrifice begin? Are these two, one in the same? I could easily look up the definition of the two and come to my own conclusion, but I think for this topics sake I can safely say that it's left up to interpretation of the individual.The church considers marriage a safe, equal, loving joining of two people. I guess that could be the general consensus as far as government, other than the many states that are set back in their old ways that don't consider same-sex marriage to be legal. But I digress.

When a couple, any couple disagree on a pretty major subject but still have love in the relationship, who backs down? People argue over infidelity, finances, religion, sports, cooking, chores, children, many things. But when is enough enough?  My parents divorced when I was pretty young, and the only thing I could understand was that mom was always mad, and dad didn't seem to have a care in the world. Trying to understand an event like this through 7 year old eyes doesn't make the whole process any easier. I doesn't really get any better over years, until you get to the point where you have petty relationship problems of your own. Even more so is this apparent now that I am married and have arguments of my own, some mundane, meaningless, and some pretty major. It's my understanding that every relationship is different and how each couple deals with qualms in a marriage, or partnership equally differs.Personally I am not one for marriage or couples counseling, but I do understand that an outside, third party might bring some insight that might not have come to light. Let's get deeper into this issue and give it some filling, if you will. Kind of like a doughnut that hasn't been filled with jelly yet. Sorry, too much coffee makes me jittery and my mind jumps around.

I have never been squeamish about sharing personal issues as long as it might help insight some one else. So here we go! My husband and I have been considering IVF. That's Invitro Fertilization for those whom aren't reproductively challenged. After a procedure that solidified my inability to have children of my own, the subject and chance to try IVF with a surrogate has come up. Actually it was very scary to me how easily everything from fertilization clinics to surrogates, even some money just fell on our laps for the entire process. While there are many reasons to try this course of action, I tend to lean on the con's side of why we should fore go IVF. I've made a list of both sides, positives, and negatives, it comes out with just one more negative issue... Money. Essentially in my eyes, I am purchasing a baby. This purchase comes with more interest than a mortgage, it will also add on more costs, sleep deprivation, hunger issues, questionable hygiene and cleanliness sacrifices and the majority of an annual income in more than a few ways. Sure these are all the negatives. I focus on these because there are women out there that would have you try and forget about the bags and circles under your eyes, puke stains on your shoulder, diaper smell clinging to your clothes and try and envision that kids are all sunshine, giggles and hugs. Just because I don't have any of my own doesn't mean I don't know they aren't angels.

I've only had one person give me a completely honest opinion about the horror a child can bring when you're ill prepared. Most other people have long forgotten the 10-16 diaper changes a day, how hard naps and bedtimes can be, tantrums, and lets not forget the fact that they used to have privacy and an intimate life. These people are beaten down and have been inadvertently brain washed by their children to think that a normal healthy sex life isn't necessary after having kids. That or there just isn't enough energy to attempt one?

So who backs down? Does the list of "pro's and con's" win, does paper evidence only work in courts? Or is do the old adages ring true? "The heart wants what it wants", or "follow your heart." My dilemma with this is that one person might end up living a life of regret and or resentment. Is something so major reason to go separate ways, or move on with your life? Or is disagreeing on something this life-changing part of the definition of marriage?

Ding! Let's see who wins this round? I can already feel the stinging punch in the gut and bruising.